Naked Flesh Disturbs Desires Of Russian Archpriest

Some ideally dressed Russian women, yesterday

In any country where human rights are under attack, you can always be sure that some religious authority will be waiting in the wings to exploit the climate of suppression and take the chance to tell people how they should be leading their lives. In the country of the 2018 World Cup, this has come in the form of the Russian Orthodox Church’s Archpriest Vsevolod “Charlie” Chaplin, who has posited the idea of an all-Russian dress code to get women to cover up their legs.

Translation: every time I get a hard-on, I fear that God is watching and I can’t cope with it. Chaplin has publicly slammed women who leave the house “painted like a clown”, who “confuse the street with striptease” (yes, we’ve all done it – stopped half way across the road and simply cast off all our clothes), and who wear mini-skirts that “can provoke not only a man from the Caucasus… but a Russian man as well”. If she happens to enjoy a drink and then get raped, well then “she is all the more at fault”. So, a lovely chap who ticks all our boxes by managing to be egregiously sexist and racist at the same time as wanting to deprive others of their rights because he fears his own body’s reaction to naked flesh. Perhaps he should stay home locked in a dark cupboard, for everybody’s sake.

There’s more. According to Chaplin, reportedly a “close associate” of Patriarch Kirill I (another big shot in the ROC, who also supports Belarussian dictator Alexander Lukashenko), provocatively clothed women cause “short-term marriages, which are immediately followed by rat-like divorces, to the destruction of children’s lives, to solitude and madness, to life-catastrophe.” Damn those wenches and their long shapely legs! Not to mention those divorce-loving rats (when will rodents understand the sanctimony of marriage?). But the Arschpriest has an answer: save society, and no doubt the world, by refusing to admit scantily clad dames to public venues. And men with tracksuits too, but that sounds like a separate issue.

This all sounds familiar. Now let me think, where else do religious strictures dictate to women what they should wear and forbid them to show their lust-igniting skin in public? Mr. Chaplin, your VIP box tickets for the 2022 World Cup final in Doha are secure. And may you enjoy a stroll around town afterwards without the embarrassment of a bonk-on sprouting beneath your godly robes.