Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Russia unveils mascot finalists for 2018 World Cup

Exciting news from Russia and its utterly incorruptible sports minister Vitaly Mutko - the mascot for Russia 2018 will be announced later this month, and the final contestants are a wolf, a cat and a tiger. Cute! The World Cup Human Rights blog has been granted an exclusive look at the figures that will inject an extra blast of frivolity into what promises to be a month of fun football promoting all the greatest civic values that go hand in hand with the business of professional sport. 

Cuddly Olly G
Olly G the Wolf: this cuddly, oil-rich wolverine is slathering at the jaw to get his teeth into even more of the government contracts for energy, security and infrastructure that already made him obscenely rich in Boris Yeltsin's post-communist, bargain-bin sell-off of state assets, and in the run-up to the $50 billion bonanza that was the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics. Olly G's ravenous capacity for unlimited greed respect and fair play perfectly reflects the core values of Fifa and the football brotherhood!

Cagey B the Cat: light on his feet, 'Cagey B' is always listening out for what's going on wherever two or more dissidents have gathered. This sly but furry feline showcases all that Mother Russia does best when it comes to spying on its own citizens
Sly Cagey B
and crushing both democracy and dissent. Come to Russia 2018 and find out what it's like to have your massively overpriced hotel room fitted with its very own bug. It's more than just Cold War kitsch - they really are listening in! Just remember to run the bathroom taps if you're having gay sex, or Cagey might send some of his uniformed colleagues round to talk about Fifa's ultra-strict principles on treating all human beings as equals.

Persuasive Schok
Schok the Tiger: a US-inspired mascot conceived by the Chicago School of Economics, 'Schok' symbolises the pure economic freedom that swept 1990s Russia and rapaciously unburdened millions of newly liberated citizens of their properties and savings. Armed with nothing but a kalashnikov to persuade the people that economic shock therapy is what's best for them and their emergent 'tiger' economy, the rampant feline comes with its own urinary mechanism - refuse to co-operate with its version of freedom and Schok will shower you in aromatic piss! This symbolises how all the wealth at the top of football will 'trickle down' to Fifa's poorer leagues, clubs and nations everywhere. Eventually. But we're not saying when.

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